


certainties

by torasame



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi being Akaashi, M/M, Pining, Sad Akaashi Keiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22374124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torasame/pseuds/torasame
Summary: Akaashi Keiji never wished to reach the stars— he only wanted to stand beside one.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 10
Kudos: 107





	certainties

**Author's Note:**

> i got into the fandom about a month ago and i strictly read the manga since i never have the time to watch shows but i went back and watched everything during the holidays. I wajted my first haikyuu fic to be kurotsukki but I've got big plans for that ship.
> 
> Impulsivity writes fics people.

He doesn't know how Bokuto does it.

Keiji was quite confident in his knowledge of his upperclassman. He had a list of all his weaknesses and another of how to counter them. He knew what made him tick, what broke him and what lifted him up. Keiji Akaashi knew Koutaro Bokuto well— but this was the one question he did not have the answer to.

He doesn't know how Bokuto does it.

Bokuto was the life of the party and such a radiant source of optimism and joy in contrast to that of himself— he was simply ordinary. Everyone knew of Bokuto and Keiji wouldn't blame them. Bokuto was a star. He'd known that fact from the very instant they met. Despite all his imperfections Bokuto was still amazing in the eyes of those around him. Bokuto's flaws were a nuisance but they made nevertheless made him quite endearing. He could pull everyone together in the moments they needed it most and that was why he was named Fukurodani's ace and captain.

He doesn't know how he could smile as casually as he did. He doesn't know how the world seemed to stop on its axis when he laughed. There was so much more he wanted to ask but what really bothered him was what Bokuto would ever see iin someone like him.

He still couldn't understand how Bokuto made him feel the way he did.

Keiji couldn't understand how Bokuto made him feel like he was someone of vast importance. How Bokuto could praise him for such small things and name him a genius. Keiji knew he was far from it. He wasn't like Tobio Kageyama or Tooru Oikawa. He couldn't bring the ball up with a marksman's precision or the best out of every player of his team. He couldn't even bring the best out of Bokuto. It wasn't as though he needed to though. He would shut down once everything spiralled out of his control and bring the team down because of his incompetence.

And yet, Bokuto could wash all those thoughts away with a smile and a pat on the back.

"You may not be like them," his upperclassman had once said, "but that's alright. Because you're the Akaashi. They don't have anything on you."

An ache spread across his chest every time he recalls those words. All his thoughts quiet down and give way for Bokuto's words to mend themselves deep into his system.

He couldn't understand why Bokuto would say such things. He couldn't understand how Bokuto saw him in such light. He couldn't comprehend why those words had such an effect on him. He should have. Keiji should have known.

He should have known he wasn't anything worth Bokuto's time.

His duty was to pave the way for the ace. He was to make sure the spotlight remains on Bokuto at all costs and that the world received the light of its star. Keiji had no right to interfere. He was insignificant. He would learn to be satisfied by remaining in the dark. It would have been selfish of him to want the light for himself.

It could have spared him the anguish of seeing Bokuto with someone worth his time. But he learnt his lesson. It dawned on him every time he compared all their qualities against Bokuto's to see if they compensated for his shortcomings and they always did. They had the capacity to bring out the best out of him in ways he couldn't. They were everything Bokuto needed. They were everything Keiji wasn't.

And despite everything, he continued to fool himself. He tried to be there for every dark tunnel Bokuto found himself stranded in. He tried to light the path and stay with him through it. Keiji was there for every heartache and heartbreak and always cleared his nights for him and Bokuto to go out and have some barbecue. He had oriented the team on who to contact when Bokuto got into one of his moods— knowing he would appreciate being surrounded by people when his energy reserves ran too low.

Keiji told himself that he could be enough. If he could stay up a little more when Bokuto was home alone and needed someone to call over the phone. If he could console Bokuto enough and guide him back into a restful slumber then everything would be alright. If he could do the homework Bokuto missed out on and get him through the next day in one piece then surely he had a chance. Surely he could live out his fantasies for just a bit longer than usual.

Surely he could be the one to bring out the best in Bokuto—just once.

Maybe his prayers to the heavens above could be answered because he did not need to reach for the stars— he just wanted to stand beside one.

So no, he couldn't understand. Keiji Akaashi could not understand how Bokuto saw something in him. He couldn't understand why Bokuto asked to speak with him privately. He couldn't understand why Bokuto seemed so nervous. He couldn't bring himself to understand how Bokuto could ever return his affections as he said he did.

He couldn't comprehend why Bokuto chose to stay because unlike him— Keiji wasn't anything but his flaws. Keiji was ordinary and found it too difficult to keep a conversation flowing. He was too quiet and too boring. Despite it all, Bokuto stayed. Bokuto stayed and listened. He spoke with the words that Keiji never had a way with. With every smile and laugh Bokuto gave him, Keiji counted down the days until his upperclassman would grow tired of him.

"I don't understand," he had finally gotten the courage to say. Bokuto turned around to face him.  
Keiji tried to ignore his fastidiously beating heart. "Why do you put up with me?"

It was in those moments when Bokuto's demure intelligence cracked through the afternoon chill. Bokuto took his bandaged hands into his worn ones. "You know, Akaashi, for someone so cool I'm really surprised you haven't figured it out."

"It isn't complex or anything like that but maybe you just aren't used to it yet but it's really simple and as sappy as it sounds," and there it was. It was that smile. "I love you."

He felt the glass shatter in his chest and a weight that almost knocked him off his feet settle in. He barely registered Bokuto pulling him into an embrace. Keiji could do nothing but bury his face into his shoulder as the tears refused to stop falling.

Keiji couldn't understand how Koutaro did it. He didn't know what he did to deserve such love back but he's learning. The one thing he does know for certain is that Koutaro would always be waiting to answer his questions. And for once, he doesn't have to fool himself to believe that it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: AKAASHI IS ALIVE AKAASHI IS BACK—


End file.
